In Times of Loss

I was finishing planning with my companion when President Gary Reynolds called us. It was about 9:30pm. He said that he wanted to speak with me. I didn't move, but we took the phone off of speaker and I held it against my ear. He expressed his sentiments that he was deeply sorry but he had been in communication with my father and that about forty-five minutes previous my grandmother had slipped away into the spirit world.

I don't know much worse as a missionary than getting a call someone has died. To hear that someone has passed beyond the veil and to know that I can't be with my family, I can't comfort them. I can't attend the funeral, I can't pay my respects in person. I am here in New York - so very far away from Oregon and my family. I am a missionary, but at times like these I wish so desperately I could be a sister, daughter, a granddaughter.

When I heard the words spoken by my Mission President I admit I lost my composure. I was sad, I wanted to be with my family.... but all the same I didn't want to go home. I want to be in Oregon, I want to attend the funeral, but my work is here right now. I committed to God that, though I occasionally don't know why, I would serve this mission. Right now, it is where I need to be. And yet, it is so difficult to think about much else than my grandma, when for all I am I am trying to remain focused on my missionary purpose. Which purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ.

Every moment, every day, I remember her. I try to reconcile the fact that she is actually gone. That no longer will I be receiving letters from her, making quilts with her, singing songs with her, buying
temple dresses with her. All of that is gone. And it's rather difficult being on my mission in the middle of it.

With how frequently she crosses my mind, it also was one of my primary focuses when Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the LDS church, came to speak with us. He may not have responded to that specific aching personally, but some comments his wife gave most certainly did. He mentioned that due to Sister Holland's health, she wasn't even going to go, but it became a family affair with their son and his wife and Elder Holland's grandson Danny, so they all went. He said what a treat it was for both him and us to have her there. And the first thing she said when she got up to speak was, "I know Sister Reynolds and my daughter in-law Paige are both here to represent your mothers, but I'm privileged to be here representing your grandmothers." 

That comment made me extraordinarily emotional as it was my grandmother who, at that moment, I wished to hear from and see most. Even more her comments touched my heart as she told a personal story about attending school for music in New York. My grandma played the piano in her youth, and it seemed as though it could have been a story about my grandma. One of the very last things my grandma did when I saw her in July was tell me that she wanted me to know she had a testimony of the church and the Book of Mormon. As Sister Holland bore strong testimony of the Book of Mormon I felt as if it could have been my grandmother bearing the same testimony.

The gospel has so much power. And yes, I'm still deeply and immensely sad about my grandma passing on. I still think of her every hour, perhaps every few minutes. Henry F. Lyte expresses it better than I when he put into song the words,"swift to its close ebbs out life's little day. Earths joys grow dim; it's glories pass away. Change and decay in all around I see; O thou who changest not, abide with me!" 

With no family around to uplift me, the Lord has given me his fair share of consolation. As I reach my heart out in prayer, it is so much easier to feel of His love for me.

President Reynolds told me I could call my family if I wished after he had called me. As I did so, my grandfather said, "We....love...you. We appreciate the work you are doing. She...still...loves... you." What a beautiful knowledge to have because of the gospel that life doesn't end here. That over in the spirit world somewhere she is watching my work and cheering me on. She loves me now, the same and perhaps even more than she did before.

"So long thy pow'r hath blessed me, sure it still will lead me on. O'er moor and fem, o'er crag and torrent, till the night is gone. And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!" -John Henry Newman

Some things are temporary, like life or possessions or money or houses or clothing. But some things are eternal. And a family that has been sealed in the temple will be together forever. I'll see her again
one day, and this life is so short it won't be long anyhow. It's sad now, but a knowledge of the eternal scheme of things makes it seem a less heavy burden.

I love my grandmother. Having her pass is sobering and difficult. But I know I will see her yet again. And that knowledge gives me peace beyond anything in this life. 

"God be with you till we meet again; By his counsels guide, uphold you; With his sheep securely fold you. God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again; When life's perils thick confound you, put his arms unfailing round you. God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again. Keep love's banner floating o'er you; Smite death's threat'ning wave before you. God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet! Till we meet! Till we meet at Jesus' feet.
Till we meet! Till we meet!
God be with you till we meet again."
-Jeremiah E. Rankin

My deepest and most heartfelt sympathies to anyone who is suffering from death in their family, especially those in my family still struggling. I love you all so much. And I want everyone to know the extent and deeply-rooted love I have for my grandma. She has shaped me in so many ways, and I will always miss her.

God be with you till we meet again.

A loving granddaughter,
Allison June Voss